I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I deserve this hangover.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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