So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
