my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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