he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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