I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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