I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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