you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
