This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm bleeding and have questions
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
