if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize