[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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