u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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