I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
