Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
