Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
