Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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