If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
