She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
