If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
