I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
