Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
