im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
