The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
