I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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