i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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