Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
