I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
