I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
