I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
