Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
