I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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