he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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