how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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