I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
