how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You dont lie about slip and slides
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
