didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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