i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
