i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
