I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
