Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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