the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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