Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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