You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
