You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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