god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
