dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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