Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
