it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
