I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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