Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
