i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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