I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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