I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
