I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
that is very illegal...i love you.
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