I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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