thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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