the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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