Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
