Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
