Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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