were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
